Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Does anybody else have this problem?

I have this problem that is not good when matched with a feisty 2 year old who can throw outrageous temper tantrums (i.e. a major heeny hiney).  My problem is that my personality has always lead me to be the "fixer".  I like to fix peoples' problems.  Find solutions to make them feel better or make them happy.  I want everyone to just be happy and to get along no matter what. I hate confrontation.  I hate discord.  Happiness - I love.  I want everything to be "just right" for everyone. 

Hence my problem.  In my mind, I know I am supposed to ignore Claire when she throws a fit and not give into her screams.  Because I KNOW that she will learn that all she has to do is cry and whine and then I will give her what she wants.  In my head, I know these things.  But in my heart and soul, it goes against every grain in my body.  It's not who I am.  I want everything to be "just right" for her all the time.  Yes, I know this is no feasible.  I know this is not going to happen.  But I feel like it is my duty to try to make her happy. 

Then throw in the mix that the guilt trip gets played and I tell myself over and over that she has already been through so much trauma and torture in her short little life that she deserves to just be happy and not cry and fuss and worry and fret.  This is a formula for disaster in my heart. 

So as I obediently TRY to ignore her when she is screaming at the top of her lungs at me because she wants to finish watching her DVD in the car and I am trying to take her out of the car, sometimes I give in by just letting her sit there a little while longer and watch it.  Or like the other night, I just took the DVD player out of the car and let her bring it inside with her.  Yes, I know - you do not have to tell me.  

But I don't actually realize that I am doing her an injustice until I get inside with the DVD player, she calms down, and I calm down. Then I realize now that what I have done.  And that now, yes, every time she gets out of the car she wants to take the DVD player with her.  Sigh. 

 At her doctors appointment yesterday, the pediatrician reiterated the "ignore" factor and that I should try to ignore as much as possible.  She did give me credit saying that she understood that Claire was different and that her past does make it harder for me to ignore. 

And then when I really try to ignore her and she keeps screaming, my patience (of which I have a lot of) begins to wear thin.  And then I get snappy back at her.  And then I feel guilty again.  And then I wait until she falls asleep and whisper apologies for not giving her everything she wants when she wants it.   And then I thank God for giving us this precious gift and beg Him to guide me to be the best mother I can be for Claire and do what is best for her. 

So this ignoring part of parenting is not the easiest for me.  I am trying.  But failing most of the time.  I just don't get how other parents are so good at it.  Maybe if I keep working at it, I will not give in so much.  Not to say that I won't give in sometimes because that is just how I work. 

Any other parents have this problem?

The Scott Family


  1. I think if you ask any parent they will say they are not good at it. I have the same problem. I give in to my son because he is adopted, yet has two biological sisters. I give in to my older daughter because she too has been through so much and everything is harder on her. I give in to my youngest because I'm already tired from fighting with the first two and the screaming this girl can do. Moral of the story, parenting is hard and most feel like they are failing.

  2. Hugs! Mason can throw tantrums of epic proportions, too.

    I don't quite ignore, though. I give empathy while still not giving in. I will offer to hold him through the tantrum and/or will sit close by. I will not give into whatever has caused the tantrum, but I acknowledge he has some strong feelings he needs to get out.

    It is so hard, though! I've also started thinking really long and hard before I say "no" or make a final call on anything. If I'm going to weather a tantrum, it's got to be for something that is non-negotiable. Sometimes, I just say "no" because something is a pain, mess, etc and it ends up being way more of a fight than it really should have but once I've said my "no" I have to stick with it... LOL