I know this is going to sound so crazy. Crazy enough that some people might think I am insane. But here it goes.......
Tuesday night was the first time in Claire's life that I have put my hand on her heart and felt her special heart beat.
There. I said it.
Call it crazy, call it weird. But I have honestly been terrified to put my hand on her chest and feel her heart beating. You might ask why and I have a simple answer. Fear. Fear of feeling "something" that didn't feel just right. Fear of feeling a beat that felt strange and that scared me into thinking something else was wrong with her heart. Just plain fear.
But something compelled me to feel her heart beat that night. I was scared to do it, but once my hand settled on her chest, I couldn't take it off. The breath literally left my body and I couldn't breathe. I sat as still as I could as she slept so I could just feel her special little heart beating inside her sweet chest. Tears fell and fell as I tried to control my convulsive crying as not to wake my sleeping baby (that took a long time to fall asleep).
And I just fell in love all over again with that heart of hers. And I wonder why I let fear keep me from feeling that beat - the one that keeps her alive. It still scares me to wonder what is going on inside that chest of hers on a day to day basis. If I could afford an echo machine, we would own one so I could check it out for myself quite often. But that is insane. (I sense a theme here in this post.....)
It was hard to pull my hand off of her beating chest tonight. I need to learn this beat. I need to know it like the back of my hand. I need to feel her heart beat as it is what makes my own heart beat. So maybe I will start learning her special beat (technically she probably doesn't have a true "heart beat" but more of a "heart swoosh" - but you know what I mean).
Any other heart moms out there have this same fear or is it just me?
I thanked God over and over again for this sweet baby we have been blessed with. I had always told Trent I felt like I was put on this Earth to be a wife and a mother. And I truly believe God chose Claire to be our child. She is definitely my purpose in life.
The Scott Family